these are a few of my diaryland entries for the last few days. they're really important.

9:20 p.m.

2003-01-02

wow... i just got the shock of a lifetime. i just found out that a friend i used to be pretty close to was admitted to the hospital on monday night for depression. i just sat in shock after i read the email telling me. for as long as i've known him (since jr hi), he's been such a strong guy. i've only seen him falter a few times. he's been the one that i've gone to for help and answers. he's been the one to stand up to me when he disagrees with something i've said or done, and he usually was right. we had a falling out this summer: he said stuff, i probly said stuff, he found some new friends and we just sorta stopped talking. when i wrote a letter to apologize he didn't answer it. this is probly why. but wow!!! i just can't imagine him like that. i'm kinda hurt that i'm just now finding out, too. someone told me early on in the week that he needed prayer, but wouldn't tell me why. then i got an email today. ali said she's been trying to call me but hasn't been able to get ahold of me, and i have been gone a lot this week. i'm just blown away by this!!!!!!!!!!


12:33 p.m.

2003-01-03

oh wow... he tried to kill himself. it wasn't just depression, he was admitted to the hospital because he tried to kill himself. i don't know what to do. i've just been sitting here, staring at the computer screen for the last 20 minutes bawling my eyes out. this shouldn't have to happen, not to him!! not to anyone, but especially not to him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and there's nothing that i can do, besides sit in my house, five hours away from him, and cry. if we were as close as we used to be, i could do more. but after this summer, i can't do anything but freakin sit here and cry


9:03 p.m.

2003-01-04

i mailed him a letter today. ali and i talked for forever long last night, and she kept telling me i should. i was scared. so much stuff has happened (like waaay before this), i was scared. i thought that he hated me. ali told me that he doesn't, he just didn't know what to do. wow.. this is still such a huge shock to me. i can't take it all in yet. i don't think i ever will. but i'm soooooooo glad that ali and i talked!!! we haven't talked like that since the beginning of the summer. i think things are going to be ok (with me and her). i'm just still so shaken up by this. i can't get over it. the only thing worse than this was losing lisa.

ok i feel better now. i was afraid of losing those entries somewhere. :/