i decided something today. i've been thinking about it for awhile. i'm not going to ben's anymore. i'm not going to force travis to talk to me on IM anymore. i'm not going to go to any more soccer games. i'm not going to try to talk them into coming to visit me. i'm done. i feel like my friendship with those guys is totally one-sided. i'm the one that emails, hardly ever getting a response. i'm the one that drives over there to visit. i'm the one that shows up at ben's time after time, even though i tell them that i'm not driving over there any more. well this time i'm really not. unless i get some sort of indication that i'm wanted, i'm done. i'm not going to force them to be friends with me and hang onto friendships if they're not interested. i came to this conclusion earlier today when i IMed travis and he didn't talk. as usual. after awhile he put up an away message, so i IMed him and told him something along the lines of this: i'm not going to force you to talk to me on IM any more. if you want to talk to me, you can IM me, cuz i feel like i make you talk to me when you don't want to... blah blah blah along the lines of that. i told him that i was on my way to work, and if he wanted he could IM me on my work screen name, knowing that he wouldn't. and he didn't. why do i bother? they don't care if i'm there or not. when i am there, i just feel like a 3rd wheel. so i'm done.
and don't think this is gonna be easy for me. this hurts. i'm afraid that i'm gonna break down and not follow through with it, as dumb as that may sound. but i'm tired of trying so hard and feeling like i'm just in the way. travis told me last night that i needed to be more open and tell people that i'm mad or hurt. well right now i'm both.
so. until i hear differently from a nussbaum or a lehman, this is it. i'm done. i'm hurting and no one cares.