I just finished completely re-reading this. It was kinda fantastic, haha. I've lost touch with more friends than I've kept in touch with, but... life happens!

I feel like I randomly come back to this when I'm not feeling happy. I think it's because it's a safe place that no one reads, and it's been around for so long. It's seen many-a-vent... haha.

I feel like I'm too old to unleash my feelings onto the internet like I used to. I don't know. I just am not happy. I have moments where I'm fine, and things are great, but then I have moments like now, where I hate that I'm 25 years old, barely making enough money to get by, and feeling like I don't fit in with most of my friends. I guess the whole friends thing has been a constant in my life. I just feel like I'm generally on the fringe of friends, and sometimes I make it into the thick of things and am feeling good, but it's not long before I feel like I'm back on the edge just kinda observing everything. This is just not how I planned my life to be. I can hardly even handle reading older posts in this blog, because I see how far I am now from where I was then, and I don't necessarily think that it's a good thing. This is going to sound totally lame and like I'm in junior high, but I just freaking need a best friend. Everyone's supposed to have one, but I haven't for a good 4 or 5 years now. I'm not saying that would fix all of the problems in my life, but it would be really good to have someone to talk about things like this instead of internalizing them or randomly crying in front of my friends so they all think I'm bonkers. Especially since that's the basic gist I got from a conversation with a friend (that people don't know what to do when I cry, so they just ignore me). So that's encouraging... haha.

Anyway. I don't know why I typed all of this. I'm going to go watch Little Women or some other comfort movie, because it'll make me feel better. :)

i like lifehouse. sometimes i don't listen to them for awhile, and then i do, and i like them a lot.
i'm working from home this morning. but i'm waiting till like 10:30 to start making phone calls, because people sleep and are cranky when they're woken up/don't answer the phone. i'm going into the office later though.
sometimes i like my job. sometimes i don't. i've been working more, which means making more money, which is good.
i don't have anything really to say this morning. i'm done.

the new brave saint saturn cd? absolutely AMAZING!!! the 5 year wait was well worth it (although I would have welcomed it much sooner, haha). it's such a good end to the story. I love it. allllso, I got my cd a week late, and I wasn't mad or anything, but some people were causing a stink about it, so Reese Roper wrote notes on the invoice. I about fell over when I opened my package and there was a hand-written note from Reese Roper!!

allllso also, I finally got to watch the season premiere of Heroes today. HOLY CRAP! I love that show a whole whole lot. I don't have anyone to discuss it with, though! so much happened in that episode, especially at the very end. I almost fell out of my chair, I was so shocked!

and finally, I saw the movie 'Lars and the Real Girl' today. it was fantastic! I had no idea that was such a good movie! it was touching, and just a real darn good movie.

that's all for now, I need to shower and get to beddd!

still no brave saint cd. I'm a little sad about that, I won't lie. but I'm sure it'll come sometime next week.

I'm going home after job 1 tomorrow! (job 1 is PCS, job 2 is chick-fil-a). I'm excited about that. I'm going to a football game with high school friends. it's going to be a good time! :-)

I still have to pack, however. so I should probably get on that. I'm hoping that while I'm packing, I'll magically find my glasses, because they've been lost for like 2 weeks now, and that makes me all kinds of sad!

i love Caedmon's Call. a lot. just thought i'd share.

also, THE NEW BRAVE SAINT SATURN CD COMES OUT TODAY!!!
i hope i get it in the mail soon! seriously, i've been waiting 5 and a half years for this day! yayyyy!

I've gotten through 2003 and a couple months of 2004 in re-reading this journal.
I've decided several things:
1) I honestly think I may have been moderately depressed in high school
2) I should never have let myself fall out of touch with so many of my friends
3) McDonalds really wasn't as bad of a place to work at as I remember, because I spent most of my time screwing around with my friends, haha

It has really been interesting to read this. I started it during my senior year of high school, and that was so incredibly long ago. I can't believe that I've been out of high school for 5 years, and out of college for over a year!

That's all.
:)

holy crap. i used to post my entire life in this journal--i was just reading some stuff.

i've always liked this website better than xanga. maybe i'll start using it again, although i never get too far in it when i say that, haha.

also, no one has this address anymore probably, except maybe reno, and i doubt that even he checks it anymore...

reno, i'm glad you took the time to sign into my blogspot to tell everyone merry christmas for me.

thanks.

i am sleepy.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Whoa, what did you say about a certain someone being never to post on your blog ever again? Do not worry, 'tis all in good fun. But I had to post, however, because I can't find any place to comment on your last post and it kills me!

Love ya'

and I need to come and get my shopvac back ;o)

whoa, blogger got weird in my absence. it's affiliated with google now.

which means that reno REALLY won't be able to log in now, because my log-in name just changed.

i am so freaking bored right now.

i'm going to old navy. and borders. because what else is there to do today??


this template is ugly. but i am lazy.

this is a work in progress. obviously.

i think that i want to resurrect this. i've had it since i was a senior in high school. that's a long time. :-)

i need to go to bed now. i'm looking for a new skin for this one, it's old now.

byeeee

i think today is going to be a blue day.
i woke up kinda bummed for some reason.
and i just had a conversation that is weighing very heavily on my heart. i don't know what to do about it. i guess i haven't really thought much about how much my actions can affect others, and now i'm understanding a little how they have. and i just don't know...

i love how i only post here when i'm not happy. i'm a loser yay!

right now i am glad that no one reads this, because now i can go off.

i am not happy right now. a lot of things are happening at once, and that pretty much inevitably leads to me being not happy. a lot of it is dumb stuff, for example, the extra tickets that i paid for for the european disco tonight, that i don't even know why we needed. all we needed was 3, why did we buy 6? and now i can't even go, so not only do i have my extra ticket, i have 2 others, and i was the one that paid for them. that pisses me off.
room draw is not fun, figuring things out is just too much stress. we can't live here because of this or there because of that, etc, and now we can't even do the college hill room draw tonight because a room deposit hasn't been paid.
this policy paper ticks me off, because it takes up so much time, and yet is worth basically no points. i guess she told our class today that she's going to have them graded/handed back to us by tuesday. we're turning them in on thursday. how the heck is an adjunct who teaches just that class b/c she has a real job outside of this going to grade 12 or 13 20-30 page papers in 4 days? that means she's not going to read them very carefully, which REALLY ticks me off, because i've been working on this paper since the beginning of the semester.
i'm tired of people complaining about money and such. get a freaking job. i have one, i may not like working, especially in fast food, but i am working. and have been since i was a junior in high school. i have pretty much never in my life just worked one job at a time, i've almost always had at least 2, especially in the summer.
i pretty much wish i hadn't stayed at malone. i'm not happy here anymore. i'm worried about my future/my loans, and the fact that social workers make diddly squat. but my mom has worked so hard for me to be able to stay here, and i've paid a good bit of money myself. and i think i would probly feel the same way at a different school anyway.
i get brushed aside a lot. i know that i've said it before, but i'm so sick of people telling me how many friends i have. it's not true at all. i'm not even gonna get into that.

and now it's time to get back to what my life has consisted of lately, writing papers.

hola

i can't believe that 'someone you know' was my own freaking little brother, and i had no idea.
i'm clueless! haha. i should have figured it out just from the comment about the "evil lunch-stealing monkeys"
come visit me and bring cats and dogs and warriors of virtue! moo!

i just listened to the Godspell soundtrack for the first time in a really long time. maybe the first time ever all the way through. i like it. i like broadway.

this weekend was amazing.


and cold [for kentucky]


and...cuddly? haha


those are just 3 out of about 120 pictures... haha
come see me to see more. or, i put some on facebook and some on webshots


i need to get dressed now, i have class in 20 minutes. i only got half of a page written on my paper, and i've been up for over 2 hours... i'm such a slacker!

i don't know about... no, i'll leave it at that. i just don't know. anything. at all. period.

stole from reno

(001) Your gender: not male
(002) Straight/gay/bi? straight
(003) Single?: yes
(004) Want to be? sometimes
(005) Your birthday: tax day!
(006) Age you wish you were: something pre-college. maybe 13 or 14, cuz that's also pre-crappy jobs
(007) Hair color? dull brown. it needs dyed again, cuz i haven't dyed it since allie and linda did it a few days before school last semester
(008) Long, short, or medium length? medium and getting longer! woohoo!
(009) The color of your eyes: brown, something akin to the color of poop
(010) Piercings? my eyebrow
(011) Want more? possibly my ears someday, since i sort of skipped that part
(012) Tattoos: none

DO YOU...

(013) Smoke: no
(014) Do drugs: no
(015) Read the newspaper: no
(016) Drink: no, but my parents and i are going out [well and tim, but he's only 17] on my 21, since it's over easter break! haha i'm excited
(017) Talk to strangers: depends on where i am
(018) Take walks in the rain: i used to at camp luz
(019) Drive: yes
(020) Like to drive fast?: sometimes
(021) Hurt yourself: not on purpose mostly i don't think

HAVE YOU EVER...

(022) Been out of the country: just canada
(023) Been in love: i honestly don't know
(024) Kissed on the first date: no
(025) Gone skinny dipping: this one time at camp in 5th grade.... haha
(026) Had a surgery: no
(027) Ran away from home: nope, i don't think i ever even tried
(028) Played strip poker: i don't even know how to play poker
(029) Gotten beaten up: no
(030) Beat someone up: nope [my brothers and i didn't really fight physically much]
(031) Been on stage: yup
(032) Slept outdoors: umm i've been a camp counselor for 2 different summer camps? so yes
(034) Pulled an all-nighter: i used to in high school during the 30 hour famine
(036) Talked on the phone all night: nope, my momma had rules against things like that
(038) Slept all day: never past noon in my whole life
(039) Killed someone: if looks could kill
(040) Made-out w/a stranger: no
(041) Had sex with a stranger: nooooooo
(042) Kissed the same sex: no
(043) Done anything sexual w/the same sex: nooo
(044) Been betrayed: yeah, not so pleasant to remember
(045) Broken the law: i speed sometimes
(046) Met a famous person: does dave count? [adrienne's boyfriend, won espn dream job and then was on espn]
(047) Been on radio/tv: yes/no
(048) Been in a mosh-pit: yes
(049) Had a nervous breakdown: yeah
(050) Been criticized about your sexual performance: virgin!
(051) Had a dream that kept coming back: no
(052) Was it a good dream:
(053) Skipped school: never in high school, i wasn't allowed. not even on senior skip day.
(054) Wear hats: i wear a visor at work when i'm making food, but other than that no
(055) Judged other people by their clothing: probly
(056) Judge by their piercings: considering i have a facial piercing?
(057) Favorite place to shop: VDO and old navy. what a combo... ha
(058) Favorite article of clothing: my mississippi shorts! [if you KNOW me, you know what shorts i'm talking about, haha]
(059) Are you trendy: probably not at all

BELIEFS...

(060) Believe in life on other planets: no
(061) Miracles: yes
(062) Astrology: no, but it's fun to read
(064) God: yes
(066) Santa: the polar express said that he was real!
(067) Ghosts: as reno said, ghosts=demons [and then i break out into song... "don't want no monsters in my house tonight..." oh carman...]
(068) Birth: what kind of question is that? no, i don't believe in birth. ???
(069) Love at first sight: no
(070) Yin and Yang: i don't even know what that means
(071) Witches: satan exists, so yeah
(072) Easter bunny: i used to love easter egg hunts! but why does a bunny lay eggs? that's so weird
(073) Birth control: i didn't go to that WVF last night
(074) Sex before marriage: nope
(075) Sex without love: that's not something that you can really believe or not believe in, is it?
(076) The pull of the full moon: ??
(077) Do you remember your first love: to an extent
(078) Still love him/her: no
(079) Do you consider love a mistake: i don't agree with what reno said, i'll leave it at that
(080) What do you find romantic:
(081) Turn offs:
(082) Turn Ons: i like to leave these kinds of questions blanks. that is all.
(083) Do you base your judgement on looks alone: not alone, no
(084) Have you ever wished it was more "socially acceptable" for a girl to ask a guy out? i don't think it's such a big deal
(085) Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive? no, cuz i don't think that Jesus will have it work out that way
(086) Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?: pretty much no not at all
(087) Do you think the opposite sex finds you charming: i have no idea?
(088) What's the last present someone gave you: money from my grandma
(089) Do you like someone at this moment?

LAST PERSON...

(090) That you laughed at: sarah as she was trying to go to bed but kept talking
(091) That laughed at you:
(092) That turned you on: that's kinda gross, since i hate boys a lot
(093) You went shopping with: ummmmmm..... i think brit when we went to walmart on our way back here from home
(094) To disappoint you: yeah.. not gonna put that on here
(096) To make you cry: not putting that on here either
(097) To brighten up your day: sarah gave me playdo yesterday!
(099) You saw a movie with: last time i went out to the movies was w/brit and jenny to see just friends
(101) You talked to through IM: currently talking to dan, reno, and herculiz


LAST TIME YOU....

(104) Had sex: never ever
(105) Laughed at someone: a couple hours ago
(106) Cried: today actually, haha
(107) Bought something: sheetz food last week
(108) Danced: last week when sarah and i were blasting 'i believe in a thing called love', although that
(109) Were sarcastic: probably today, i tend to do that a lot
(110) Hugged/kissed someone: kissed was way over a year ago yay! and i hugged my family when they left on saturday
(112) Watched your fave movie: well lately i've decided that while princess bride is my favorite movie, little women is my favorite movie of all-time forever and ever, because i have loved the book since i was like 8 and the movie since i was like 11. and i watched part of it last week
(113) Talked on the phone: earlier tonight i called my mom
(114) Listened to the radio: not this morning, because i forgot to turn on my alarm last night . so yesterday morning when my alarm went off was the last time
(115) Watched TV: i watched step-by-step while i was blowdrying my hair earlier today

HAVE YOU EVER...

(117) Helped someone: i hope so
(118) Felt betrayed by someone close: yes
(119) Said "I love you" and meant it: yes
(120) Regret time spent with an ex: yessss [i mean come on, who wouldn't hate reno? haha jk]